she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days