now i know why i became what i already was.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
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his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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