I need to stop coming to work sober
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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