I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
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Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
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Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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