I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay