my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.