I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
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Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
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I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????