I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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