My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
