Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
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Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
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The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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