Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
