Im at strip club and am horny
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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