I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
