dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
