So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
