WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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