??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
