im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
as a side note pls kill me
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
