T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
