Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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