i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
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I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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