so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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