she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
