Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I wish you could order shots online.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
