Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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