Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
