My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
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