I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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