i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
