Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
