Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
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It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
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Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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