fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
