She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
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we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
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Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad