Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery