I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
