it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.