Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing