Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
