Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize