Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
