i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
