i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
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I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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