did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
She's the barista slut.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
