When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
