My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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