'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets