I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
