I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
