sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
25 Men Confess The Moment They Knew They Wanted To Marry Their Wife
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You Wouldn’t Guess That These 25 Celebrities Are Complete A**holes
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.