I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?