Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
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So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
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It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.