there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
i am craving dick and cupcakes
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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