kristin has been a bad kristin
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
