my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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