He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
My bed is full of blood and feathers
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
