Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
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